Where to from here?

 

By always feeling defeated and sad I tend to give  myself a lot of positive reinforcements. Lots of online shopping, lots of impulse buying , lots of luxury getaways and lots of feeling like I deserve a sweet treat. At the end of the day these are not answers but short term fixes for just wanting to feel excited about something. I wanted to stop the feeling of emptiness I felt every day and give myself a purpose for this world. I don't want to look back on my life in my elderly years and feel disappointed that I spend years focussing my sadness on not being able to conceive, I want to feel accomplished. In one of our GP appointments, the Dr asked us if we really wanted to bring kids in a world that's dying, I really didn't know what to say to that considering he has four kids of his own. In all fairness it's up to each individual to do their bit for this earth, we shouldn't be looked down upon for wanting to bring children into this world. Children are our future and it's up to us to teach them how to take care of our planet. I read a book called "Man's Search for Meaning " by Viktor Frankl. Dr Frankl is a psychiatrist and throughout the book he describes methods he uses to identify a purpose in life to feel positive about. He shares his experience as a prisoner in concentration camps and how his mind fought for survival. The book got me thinking a different way to life, if I can't be a mum what should I do with my life now to give me purpose.

I am on the funded IVF wait list and I am scheduled for it in November 2022. Because we have unexplained infertility there's no way of being bumped up. I chose not to do privately paid  IVF because I don't want to put my body through more stress emotionally and physically at this time. I wouldn’t be able to handle the disappointment of a failed IVF and the financial burden it would have on us as it isn't 100% guaranteed. I'm hoping by 2022 I will be in a much better mental state to go through with the invasive procedures involved.  

We looked into adoption, both of us having worked in orphanages we knew it was something we really wanted. We always said we wanted to have 2 kids of our own and adopt another child. But the adoption process is extremely overwhelming – loads of application forms, meetings, workshops, it’s incredibly expensive and can take many years. Though we haven’t excluded this, we have put it on hold for now. We are now in the process of becoming foster parents and are excited at the chance to give kids the opportunity to be welcomed into our kind, caring and loving family, even if it is just short term. Regardless of whether we get pregnant or not, we have decided that fostering is something we’d still follow through with. We have now had two workshops with Barnardos and we are in the middle of having house assessments done. It's an interesting journey, I never knew that NZ had one of the worst stats in abuse of children and neglect. Our eyes opened up to a whole new world. it's def going to be a challenging experience, one we hope will at least make a postiive change for a child even if it's just a small one.

Movies such as Lion, Instant Family, The Blind Side are inspirational movies and based on real life events. If you haven’t watched these, I highly recommend. The Friends TV series which I can watch over again and not get sick off outlines all 3 types of fertility- surrogacy, natural and adoption, but in a way that it shows that all ways are normal and so real.  If you ever feel a bit lost in life I find that these sort of movies really do give a positive impact.

There are many single women wanting a child.  The ideal situation some would say is to have a companion and raise that child together, it's not always the case. I know when I was single, I had the want of a child at the back of my head all the time, I need to meet someone soon so that i'm not old when i have children, etc.... I thought of freezing my eggs at one stage and even looking at sperm donors if I'm like 40 and have no man. It's another internal battle to go through. If only guys understood what goes on in our minds and the pressures of our biological clocks has on us.  

Female issues need to be spoken off more in high school so that fertility tests can be done at an earlier age. Sex and protection are emphasised and discussed very openly in schools, however I think females need to have more discussions about their bodies as well and what sort of things to prepare for in life, and what things they should get checked out, so they don't feel isolated and they know who to talk to when this stuff happens. I aim to find people to help me sort something out like this.

I know that even if I do have a child of my own one day, I will always support this group as I know exactly how hard it is. The goal is to support each other and make the most of life. Being a mum requires love not DNA , we become mothers from the moment we open our heart to the idea of loving and caring for a child, we bring life to the world in some way. Stay Strong.

©2020 edj

©2020 edj