Expect the Unexpected

As women, we create a lot of goals and expectations for ourselves in life, for many it is the expectation of being able to conceive, carry and hold a child in our arms. The simple truth is that for some, it can lead us on a journey full of frustrations, anger, resentment and sadness. We should not feel alone in dealing with fertility issues so I'm sharing my story in the hope of building a platform for men and women to support each other.

I'm a travel enthusiast and have visited many places around the world. One thing that always brings me joy on my travels is seeing families spending time together. Regardless of age, race, culture or religion, the theme was always the same - fun. I loved going to the beach and seeing parents build sandcastles with their kids and teaching them how to swim in the sea. I loved seeing families out on a bike ride or having a picnic at the park....all the activities I've been dreaming off doing with my own family one day. Sadly parenthood is the one destination I haven't reached yet, despite trying hard to get there. It's like going to an airport  and seeing so many couples getting on flights to reach an amazing adventure of parenthood, and I am stuck at the terminal, waiting to takeoff.

Our maternal instinct can start as a child playing with dolls and wanting to take care of them exactly how our own parents do, as a teenager we share laughs with our friends about what we will name our kids and how many we will have, as an adult we start preparing for a lifetimes worth of thoughts to become real. For me, out of all the struggles I have faced in life, I thought having a child would be the easiest to achieve. Year 9 Biology class made the process of fertilisation sound so easy as infertility is a topic that was never discussed. Oscar Wilde's quote "expect the unexpected" fits perfectly in this context, never expect anything to go as planned.  

When my husband and I started trying for a child it was exciting, I would think about how I would decorate the nursery, how I would announce our pregnancy to our families, where I would shop for baby stuff, I had even collected little items over the years that I thought I would one day use for my own children. It was a piece of our life puzzle that would so easily fall into place, except for the missing piece, a baby. Before we started trying, we took precautions to not have a child so it wouldn't disrupt our travel plans, this is us thinking we were so fertile. I now laugh about how seriously we took it. After a year of trying we decided to see the doctors to make sure everything was ok. In New Zealand (NZ), couples are required to try conceiving for a year before seeking medical advice. With multiple appointments, tests and scans taken, the specialist couldn’t find a single reason why we couldn’t conceive and diagnosed us with “unexplained infertility”. What does that even mean? For me it became a constant wanting to know, I wanted answers.

We are on year 3 of trying now and we often wonder how different our lives would be if we had conceived on the first go.  I know there are many couples out there who have been trying for much longer than us. Couples that have gone through multiple IVFs, miscarriages and some who just have the inability to  conceive.

Over the following weeks I will be discussing some topics that have affected me on my journey to have a child: Procedures I took, emotions, social Interaction, cultural impact, relationships , a male's experience and my focus on other options available in NZ. During this time people are welcome to open up about their own journey and/ or offer advice about options we have here in NZ and across the world.   

©2020 edj