A Cultural Battle

Being of Asian descent meant there was more pressure on us having kids. Every family gathering was a burden: “When are you having kids?” “Hurry up, don’t wait too long”. We were running out of excuses to respond with- "We want to travel a bit more", "we don’t want kids they are too annoying", "we just want to enjoy life for now". It was hard to respond so calmly, I wanted to wear a sign saying " I'm trying not to punch anyone that asks me when I'm having kids".

I went to one family gathering in 2019 and one of our family friends mentioned to me that it is important to have kids. Being a granddad himself he said was the most amazing gift his own child could give him. Of course this was said in front of my dad, but that one sentence still scars me.  If I was to discuss my issues to some people in my culture, it would be in the hope that it is not gossiped around but more that people provide support and are not scared to do so. To give you a sense of still feeling you have meaning in your life.

Infertility is not a topic openly discussed in our culture, so who would understand? A typical response to infertility would be "don't worry it will happen" or "see blah and blah already have 2 kids, you have to hurry up". Despite having the most supportive parents I just didn't have the courage to tell them. My parents are amazing! Whatever decisions I make in life they are 100% behind me. I know if we do ever have kids, they would be the greatest grandparents and the most amazing help ever. This is one reason I felt heartbroken, what If they never get the opportunity to have grandkids. My parents are quite strong Catholics, growing up we were advised that any issue we have is all in God's hands and it's part of his plan. I was reminded daily to keep having faith in him. However going through this infertility journey had got me questioning God and at times I did lose faith. During some of the hardest days I tried praying the novena to Saint Ann (the patron saint of women trying to get pregnant) hoping that even faith would give me a result. Even if I get no result from praying, it's a way of just coming to peace with everything and to remind me to be thankful for the positive things in my life.

Both sides of our family have had no signs of infertility, a lot of aunties having had 6 kids and then their kids having their own kids. When you are married and don’t have a child for a while you feel that people are just talking behind your back and judging you, wondering whether it is a priority for us.

In 2019 I took a girls trip to Bali with my two best mates. As we were getting a traditional foot massage the young masseuse asked me if I had any kids. Asking her the same question she said yes in which the conversation lately unfolded about the culture in Indonesia. She told me that many couples don't get married unless they have a baby, this is just in case a woman couldn't have a child the man could still leave them for another woman that could bear a child. It had me thinking this actually must be common in many cultures around the world that we don't know off.

I watched "Unorthodox" on Netflix (based on a book), and this is a clear example of a woman having difficulties to conceive in a community where the main role of women is to bear children. They start prying on her own struggles, and her life becomes defined by this one fascination of the community and her husband expecting her to have a child. It's an interesting watch and I highly recommend it.

WHO has published an article called "Mother or Nothing: The agony of infertility" and It's about infertile women in developing countries and the discrimination they face. Without children their lives are without hope. Ugandan women are not accepted by society if they don't have children, people often do not regard them as human and you are left to feel extremely isolated.  It is a very heartbreaking read.  

Women and men off every culture, race and colour go through infertility, it's universal, it's worldwide and affects everybody in different ways. Support needs to extend to all cultures throughout the world. There will always be someone hidden that cannot conceive and someone fighting their own cultural battle. Kindness and compassion go a long away. At the end of the day it's none of any one's business what you go through, so don't feel like you owe anyone an explanation. Everyone has a meaning to their life and the meaning should be defined by you, not by others.

©2020 edj

     ©2020 edj